Want to find and marry the right person, and make your relationship last a lifetime? Here are the top five tips from happily married Americans, collected by Cornell University’s Legacy Project:

PRESCRIPTIONS FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

1. Marry someone a lot like you: Similarity in core values in particular is the key to a happy marriage. And forget about changing someone after marriage; the elders say it just doesn’t work.

2. Friendship is as important as romantic love: Heart-thumping passion has to undergo a metamorphosis in lifelong relationships. Marry someone for whom you feel deep friendship as well as love.

3. Don’t keep score: Don’t take the attitude that marriage must always be a 50-50 proposition; you can’t get out exactly what you put in. The key to success is having both partners try to give more than they get out of the relationship.

4. Talk to each other: Marriage to the strong, silent type can be deadly to a relationship. Long-term married partners are talkers (at least to one another, and about things that count).

5. Don’t just commit to your partner, commit to marriage itself: Make a commitment to the institution of marriage and take it seriously. Seeing the marriage as bigger than the immediate needs of each partner helps people work together to overcome inevitable rough patches.

Many respondents in the surveys had been married 40, 50 and even 60 or more years. They’ve experienced all the ups and downs marriage brings, so their advice is worth listening to.

I keep all these tips in mind when creating the characters and romantic relationships in my novels, to ensure that the love and romance I write about will be real, deeply felt, and enduring–and it certainly has worked in my marriage. My husband, Bill, and I have been married for 36 years, and the romance is still flourishing. Those roses pictured above are his Valentine’s Day gift to me!

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Syrie James